I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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