YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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