so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
