So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
