Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
