i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
