My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
