dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
