I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
