Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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