uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
