Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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