I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
