That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
