I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
