My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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