I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
