woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
