i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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