From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
