I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
