rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I deserve this hangover.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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