Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
