i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize