I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
