I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
