I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
