my phone needs a breathalizer
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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