god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
