I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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