Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
