You're so nebulous sometimes
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
