Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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