The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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