Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
