I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
