I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Bring me that man meat
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
