Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
