my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
