You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
