dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
