i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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