hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
