Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
