i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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