You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
