I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize