after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you told grandpa to call you daddy
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
