she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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