he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
