Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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