Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
