so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
