My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
