He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
