i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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