why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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