I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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