I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
