i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
