The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
