i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
