i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
