It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
