Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
